That Elusive Spark

Gentlemen, before you go out on that first date, cut your fingernails, cut your toenails.

Okay, I already said I approach internet dating the same way I do buying lottery tickets. But I try REALLY hard not to have a huge set of expectations for meeting someone for the first time. I am a huge advocate of meeting right away before you’ve exchanged dozens of witty e-mails, talked on the phone at length because there are things that you need to know about a person right away that are deal breakers, that are not covered in the miscellaneous checkboxes provided by Match.com.

For instance, my eyebrows are clearly my best feature. Two distinct, nicely shaped eyebrows that never have and never will be plucked. Not offered as a choice. Instead, I’d have to check “a sweet spot not on the list” which implies something dirty. Plus, I don’t think of eyebrows as a “sweet spot”. There they are, right on the front of your face, helping to keep things from falling in your eyes.

In case you’ve never visited Match.com, I’m providing their list of turn-ons/offs:
Body piercings
Boldness/Assertiveness
Brainiacs
Candlelight
Dancing
Erotica
Flirting
Long hair
Money
Public displays of affection
Power
Sarcasm
Skinny Dipping
Tattoos
Thrills
Thunderstorms

Who made this list? I’m beginning to think I should start my own internet dating service with checkboxes for things like “no tighty whities”, “no dirty feet”, “willing to accept bad teeth in exchange for nice hands”. How can candlelight be either a turn on or off. It’s just a thing. Thunderstorms are exciting yes, but they make me want to hug my kids, not get lucky. And how often does skinny dipping actually come up? I mean are the legions of Match.com customers who like “long walks on the beach” tearing off their clothes to go jump in the water? And who would be dumb enough to admit that money is a turn-on? Good grief.

Last night I met a boy I had been corresponding with, for coffee. He seemed great on e-mail and on the phone. We spent two hours on the phone one night, and afterwards, I sort of felt like I had a crush on him, which was stupid since we hadn’t met. So I DID have some expectations going into it. I thought he would be the same funny interesting guy I’d talked to on the phone, who looked mostly like his pictures.

When I got to the Coffee Exchange in Providence, and he stood up and said hello, I thought, this is NOT the man I’m supposed to be meeting. I could get past the zit on the end of his nose. Who doesn’t get a zit or two when they are going on a blind date? But the fingernails, the TOEnails, the dirty feet, the effeminate hands, and the bad teeth were immediate signs that there would be no spark. Then the two hour description of his dissertation really cemented the fact that we would not be going on a second date.

In some respects, I was kind of relieved. Just like it’s a relief when they post the Powerball numbers, and I don’t even have one that matches. I have a job where I’m supposed to be making money. I have another ongoing e-mail flirtation. And it does feel a bit fickle to be giving e-mail to two men.

And then there was one. Keep our fingers crossed for Saturday night.