Thoughts on Women
A friend and colleague of mine were discussing some of the women we know, not necessarily in a catty manner, but in a philosophical manner. Mostly we were chatting about perceived personae versus real, and men’s reactions to women.
About a year ago, a woman came to visit her family in New England and came by the museum where I sometimes work. She spent the day following around my demonstration partner and me, and was just the sort of visitor you love to have: bright, curious, engaging. And it didn’t hurt for my partner (who is sort of a pig) and me (who just appreciates such things) that she was very attractive.
Two weeks later, she had left a corporate job and husband in France, and was training to do what I did. She had said to herself, I want a life like that woman, meaning me (which had something to do with my image-type -- see below). Later she found out how complicated my life was, and rethought that a little, but we became friends. And everyone loved her. She really was lovely to look at, and had a coy way of looking at you that made your heart go pitter pat, no matter what gender you were. Even when she was concentrating on some task, she still had those fabulous bedroom eyes. But the thing that made her most attractive was her vulnerability.
It wasn’t just men who wanted to take care of her and be adored by her. It was people like myself with an overactive maternal instinct as well. And she’s not alone. She’s just one example of a whole host of women who exude vulnerability, and make everyone want to rush to take care of them. Note: this only works for women if they are attractive, and there is some indefinable child-like quality. When she left us and her husband, she seemed hurt and annoyed that we cared so much. She made a clean break, and has been quite absent since then, and to her credit, has not tried to manipulate us. There are other women I know who trade heavily on their image and are quite calculating, despite the fact that they are actually competent, fairly secure women.
My friend Mary K, with whom I was discussing this in the first place, is an interesting case all on her own. She definitely is competent, and definitely exudes some air of vulnerability, and men always want to take care of her at first. But they quickly realize the level of her competence, and the relationships change to a bunch of boys currying favour so that she will, in fact, take care of them. And she does. The boys on her A-list are helped into college or graduate school, given plum jobs through her influence, and a host of other benefits she can bestow. Many of them, however are ungrateful. In their male arrogance, they are ashamed of how they have used her, and that someone who really does seem vulnerable could actually have been the master of their destinies, when they have been unable to take on that role for themselves. So they are rude or belittle her.
The boys on her B-list are just boys, and the women in her life who do not get lettered except for the rare few tend to be the type of women who somehow just seem competent. Sometimes, they are called bitchy because of it. I fall into this class myself, so I know how extra hard a girl has to work to break the bitchy stereotype, and I still have it to some degree, because I am so brutally honest. The irony, of course, is that many of us bitchy competents are just as insecure and needy as the ones that give off the air of helplessness. I would venture to say that many of us achieve the level of competence we have to overcompensate for our insecurities, and to try to stave off the disappointment we would experience when someone doesn’t want to take care of us by simply seeming to not need care. It’s like assuming the worst so that you aren’t upset when the worst actually happens. But of course, you’re still upset, and of course, we still all want someone to put their arms around us and say, “poor baby”. But we only get it from other women in the same boat as us, rather than being adored by the masses, which is what many of us secretly wish for. I certainly want EVERYONE to like me, and this holds true even if I don’t like the other person. Silly, isn’t it?
The men all say, I can’t believe you’re insecure, you seem so confident. And because they are men, if they believe it, it must be true. Sigh.
About a year ago, a woman came to visit her family in New England and came by the museum where I sometimes work. She spent the day following around my demonstration partner and me, and was just the sort of visitor you love to have: bright, curious, engaging. And it didn’t hurt for my partner (who is sort of a pig) and me (who just appreciates such things) that she was very attractive.
Two weeks later, she had left a corporate job and husband in France, and was training to do what I did. She had said to herself, I want a life like that woman, meaning me (which had something to do with my image-type -- see below). Later she found out how complicated my life was, and rethought that a little, but we became friends. And everyone loved her. She really was lovely to look at, and had a coy way of looking at you that made your heart go pitter pat, no matter what gender you were. Even when she was concentrating on some task, she still had those fabulous bedroom eyes. But the thing that made her most attractive was her vulnerability.
It wasn’t just men who wanted to take care of her and be adored by her. It was people like myself with an overactive maternal instinct as well. And she’s not alone. She’s just one example of a whole host of women who exude vulnerability, and make everyone want to rush to take care of them. Note: this only works for women if they are attractive, and there is some indefinable child-like quality. When she left us and her husband, she seemed hurt and annoyed that we cared so much. She made a clean break, and has been quite absent since then, and to her credit, has not tried to manipulate us. There are other women I know who trade heavily on their image and are quite calculating, despite the fact that they are actually competent, fairly secure women.
My friend Mary K, with whom I was discussing this in the first place, is an interesting case all on her own. She definitely is competent, and definitely exudes some air of vulnerability, and men always want to take care of her at first. But they quickly realize the level of her competence, and the relationships change to a bunch of boys currying favour so that she will, in fact, take care of them. And she does. The boys on her A-list are helped into college or graduate school, given plum jobs through her influence, and a host of other benefits she can bestow. Many of them, however are ungrateful. In their male arrogance, they are ashamed of how they have used her, and that someone who really does seem vulnerable could actually have been the master of their destinies, when they have been unable to take on that role for themselves. So they are rude or belittle her.
The boys on her B-list are just boys, and the women in her life who do not get lettered except for the rare few tend to be the type of women who somehow just seem competent. Sometimes, they are called bitchy because of it. I fall into this class myself, so I know how extra hard a girl has to work to break the bitchy stereotype, and I still have it to some degree, because I am so brutally honest. The irony, of course, is that many of us bitchy competents are just as insecure and needy as the ones that give off the air of helplessness. I would venture to say that many of us achieve the level of competence we have to overcompensate for our insecurities, and to try to stave off the disappointment we would experience when someone doesn’t want to take care of us by simply seeming to not need care. It’s like assuming the worst so that you aren’t upset when the worst actually happens. But of course, you’re still upset, and of course, we still all want someone to put their arms around us and say, “poor baby”. But we only get it from other women in the same boat as us, rather than being adored by the masses, which is what many of us secretly wish for. I certainly want EVERYONE to like me, and this holds true even if I don’t like the other person. Silly, isn’t it?
The men all say, I can’t believe you’re insecure, you seem so confident. And because they are men, if they believe it, it must be true. Sigh.
posted by kingoftherabbits at
10:03 AM
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